FACADE STAGEPLAY
Sat Apr 10 21 19 15 2010

GRACE
Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?

TRIP
What, Grace... this?

GRACE
Yes, you know how I feel about it --

TRIP
I know I know I'll do it right -- (interrupted)

(Brad knocks on the front door.)

(Brad knocks on the front door.)

TRIP
Oh, he's here!

GRACE
What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!

TRIP
No, he's right on time!

GRACE
Trip...!

(Trip opens the front door.)

BRAD
woahhh dude

TRIP
Brad!!

TRIP
Hi! It's so great to see you! -- (interrupted)

BRAD
sup man

TRIP
Uh...

TRIP
Y -- yeah, yeah...

BRAD
yeah whatup

TRIP
Yeah, yeah.

TRIP
Well come on in...

TRIP
Uh, I'll -- I'll go get Grace...

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

GRACE
Brad,

BRAD
dude

GRACE
Hi! How are you? Oh it's so nice to see you, it feels like it's been forever! -- (interrupted)

GRACE
Uh...

BRAD
i have a question for you

GRACE
Uh...

GRACE
Well, anyway... make yourself at home...

BRAD
what if we were

GRACE
So, -- (interrupted)

BRAD
like

GRACE
Uh, yeah, well -- I want to ask you...

(Trip closes the front door.)

BRAD
not real

TRIP
Ah, yes, Brad, I knew you'd like it. See, Grace?

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

GRACE
So, about my decorating...

BRAD
dude what if

TRIP
Well, it's funny how after a full day's work designing magazine ads, Grace finds the time to decorate... -- (interrupted)

BRAD
like

GRACE
Oh, uh...

GRACE
(frustrated sigh) So everybody loves the view... -- (interrupted)

BRAD
the moon landing was a hoax

GRACE
Uh, well, a view of trees would be better, right?

TRIP
(clears throat)

BRAD
guys can you even like imagine

GRACE
Oh, how nice, I've been waiting so long for someone to say that!

TRIP
Wait, what?

GRACE
Trip, our friend has just been refreshingly honest about my decorating, -- (interrupted)

BRAD
what if, like

GRACE
Oh but I liked what you said about my decorating... Besides, I'm redoing it all this week, so...

BRAD
we weren't real

TRIP
Heh heh, Brad, seeing you brings back good memories, -- (interrupted)

PHONE
** RING **

TRIP
Oh, I'll get it --

GRACE
No, no, we have a guest, we can let the answering machine pick it up.

PHONE
** RING **

BRAD
what if like nixon killed kennedy

PHONE
** RING **

GRACE
What? Wait, wait, let's just wait for the answering machine...

PHONE
** RING **

TRIP
Grace, no, I want --

GRACE
Trip, please dear, don't be rude.

GRACE
It's probably just the cleaning service cancelling on us again, it's so hard to find good help these days.

ANSWERING MACHINE
** click **

ANSWERING MACHINE
You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!

ANSWERING MACHINE
** beep **

ANSWERING MACHINE
Grace, this is your father, I thought I'd call to see how my lovely daughter is doing.

BRAD
dude what if like aliens existed

ANSWERING MACHINE
I want you and Trip to come up to the house this weekend, your mother and I are throwing a party for a senior VP at the firm, and you should be there.

TRIP
Oh, it's your parents! I'll get it --

GRACE
Trip, Trip, please, I don't want to talk to them right now...

TRIP
I want to say hello --

GRACE
No no, Trip, we're entertaining a friend in our new apartment...

ANSWERING MACHINE
Oh, and be sure to arrive early, I want to talk to you about this business about why you won't be attending your mother's Christmas Eve gala.

GRACE
the last thing I want to do is talk to my parents.

BRAD
shit man

(BRAD sits on the couch.)

ANSWERING MACHINE
(clear throat) So, that's all. Uh, goodbye.

GRACE
N -- no, I'll -- I'll call my parents later.

BRAD
i need to lie down

TRIP
Well, Grace's parents... -- (interrupted)

GRACE
N -- no, no, talking about my parents is just going to frustrate me.

BRAD
i'm fuckin beat

GRACE
uh...

BRAD
DUDE

TRIP
W -- well, um, come look at this Italy photo!

TRIP
Brad, Come here, I want you to look at this!

BRAD
you know what i just thought of??

TRIP
Y -- yeah, come here!

BRAD
what if

TRIP
Oh, you'll never guess where I took that picture.

GRACE
Is this really something you want to brag about, Trip?

TRIP
Heh, I'll tell you about it in a sec.

BRAD
we were, like, NOT REAL

GRACE
Yeah, yeah.

GRACE
Trip, darling, your obsession with that photo of yours is making our friend uncomfortable.

BRAD
what if

TRIP
Oh, I didn't think you wanted to hear about the Italy trip tonight... (clears throat)

BRAD
before the dinosaurs and shit

TRIP
(little sigh) Well this -- (interrupted)

BRAD
there was some star wars shit

TRIP
Um, uh, wait...

BRAD
i don't even know

TRIP
You think I'm...

TRIP
angry...

TRIP
Ho ho ho, ha, heh you're -- you're really joking around tonight, aren't you, ha ha ha...

BRAD
like, what if that happened??

GRACE
Ha, yeah, ha ha...

TRIP
Ha, never afraid to push our buttons, ha ha ha, heh... -- (interrupted)

BRAD
have you ever seen that movie

BRAD
'the matrix'

(Trip shakes the advice ball.)

(BRAD gets up from the couch.)

TRIP
Sounds good.

BRAD
dude

TRIP
Oh, well...

BRAD
what if

TRIP
Oh that -- oh, that's just a little joke advice giver toy thing that I like to consult now and -- (interrupted)

BRAD
we were

TRIP
uh...

BRAD
like

GRACE
Listen to us, we're -- (interrupted)

TRIP
What...?

(BRAD kisses trip.)

BRAD
not real

TRIP
(nervous coughing)

GRACE
uh...

TRIP
what...

TRIP
wow, that was, um...

GRACE
wha...

BRAD
what if we never existed

TRIP
ha ha...

GRACE
ha ha...

GRACE
ha ha ha ha ha!!

TRIP
heh, ha ha ha!

BRAD
what if everything we know

TRIP
Ha ha ha, heh, Brad,

GRACE
heh heh...

TRIP
you're out of control, man...!

BRAD
doesn't actually exist

TRIP
push our little buttons...

TRIP
heh heh, you're crazy, you know that?

TRIP
ha ha...

TRIP
(big sigh)

BRAD
what if we're the only people

TRIP
Anyway, uh... what were we talking about?

BRAD
anywhere

TRIP
Uh, well, um, we need drinks!

BRAD
what if

TRIP
Mmm... hmm...

TRIP
So... drinks...

BRAD
outside of this room

BRAD
no one existed

TRIP
So... how does a Bordeaux sound?

BRAD
sounds fine dude

TRIP
Heh, oh, well --

GRACE
Ah it's good to see you two getting along so well.

TRIP
(clears throat)

TRIP
So... how does a Bordeaux sound?

BRAD
dude, friendship is relative

TRIP
Oh, ha ha, well --

GRACE
Well you're really good at saying what Trip wants to hear.

TRIP
(little sigh)

BRAD
yeah get me a bordeoux or we

TRIP
So... how does a Bordeaux sound?

BRAD
good

BRAD
make me one

TRIP
So... how does a Bordeaux sound?

BRAD
dude

(BRAD picks up a trinket 8.)

TRIP
So... how does a Bordeaux sound?

BRAD
what if like

BRAD
inside this egg

BRAD
there's another universe

BRAD
and there's another grace

TRIP
So... how does a -- (interrupted)

TRIP
So... how does a Bordeaux sound? -- (interrupted)

BRAD
and another me

BRAD
and

(BRAD puts down a trinket 8.)

(BRAD kisses trip.)

BRAD
another you

(BRAD kisses trip.)

TRIP
Okay, Brad, you know what? I think you should leave.

BRAD
dude no

TRIP
I'm sorry, but, uhh, I don't know what the deal is with you tonight.

BRAD
dude don't trust your perception

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP
We'll be fine -- just go.

(Trip closes the front door.)

BRAD
YOU'RE LIVING A LIE